Chapter 2 “Spain”

I was drinking an Especial. It was an Especial morning.

“You don’t write. You just read books all day.” She said.

Taking a swig of beer, she looked up at me.

“You wild animal, you. Don’t look at me with that face.” I said.

“Tension — you want tension right now?” She said.

“No. I’m good.” I said.

“Just — get lost in something. Get lost in time.” She said.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean — if you get lost in time, you no longer have to be here.” She said.

“What’s this — ,” I said.

“Time.” She said glumly.

The rafters lit up to the ceiling, and there was a near miss on the fan. I really wanted my mom. I really wanted my mom bad.

I said, “If you had one choice in the world, what would it be?”

“What do you mean? I’m making these choices everyday.” She said.

“You have a third eye on you right now.” I said.

“I know,” she said.

‘Okay, where are we going,’ I thought. I needed a way out, out of this hellhole. It wasn’t a hellhole, but it was an apartment in New York City, and, we weren’t going anywhere, this girl and I.

“Awareness isn’t the end goal.” She said to me.

“What do you mean?” I said.
“I mean that if you want the creator to descend upon you and create something, you have to be willing to let things go a little bit. Just loosen up — ,” she said.

“Wow, coming from you, that means a lot,” I said.

“I can’t take this anymore; I’m going outside.” I said, looking for a cig break.

“You can’t go outside.” She said. “We haven’t paid the rent yet. If the landlord sees you out there, he’s gonna break something off on your back.” She said.

“How do you know?” I said.

“Because I know things.”

That settled, I smoked the cigarette inside. It’s warm, earthy smell filled me with grounded-ness and soil, like I was a plant flighting up to the ceiling.

“Where are you going?” She said.

“Uhh, I’m going to get a new pack. I’m out.” I said.

“It already stinks of cigs in here.” She said.

“You’re not going anywhere.

______

That settled we commenced to make-out. I missed making out with her. It was like making out in high school.

The ceiling settled on the rafters, and we went to bed on my one mattress that donned the ground. It was rickety, and there were holes in it, but it was alright. I had to get over myself. ‘I had to get over myself,’ I thought.

Just sit down and write. I couldn’t think. “The antelope descended on the forest.” ‘What am I writing a jungle book novel now.’ I thought, smoking the cig.

The fumes lit up to my face. The girl was asleep. The bitch was asleep, I thought.

I sometimes thought like that. I didn’t mind it. The bad thoughts kept me company as the good thoughts did. It was the loneliness I couldn’t take.

I wasn’t lonely cause I was with this girl. On the contrary, I was lonely because I couldn’t take her with me to see my family, my friends. There was no future here.

The time was running out; I could see the midnight clock struck twice. And, I had to wake up for work at six tomorrow.

‘Goddamnit,’ I thought.

I looked at my watch. Fuck the watch. I don’t need the watch. I just need the clock.

‘Let something happen to me,’ ‘Let something happen to me,’ I whispered to myself over and over again. Suddenly, we were covering new ground.

And, the novel rushed out of me. The first chapter wasn’t very good, but the second chapter cleared that. I drank a beer to rush it all down.

Aah, the beer tastes cool and sweet in my system. I have to write, I have to write, I continued. Anyone who said alcohol clouded your judgement was wrong. It just made you more sweet and mellow, like the system inside of you.

I had devotion on my side, to write. This laptop led me through India. I looked at the girl; I wanted to kiss her, but I couldn’t get up from my desk.

Suddenly, I had no girl and I was in the pit of the novel, rushing by, pages, and pages and pages, until I immediately couldn’t write anymore, and I had to stop.

‘Think of the audience, think of the audience,’ I told myself.

No more unnecessary shit, I told myself. I don’t want to have to get cancer for these pricks, I thought about to my audience.

I needed a way to get past things, all the karma in my past, the karma in my future, the present.

Aah, the present moment, what it lacked in clarity it gained in volume. I looked at my girl’s body. It was voluptuous.

Mmm, my English teacher didn’t like my writing, but no matter. I was gonna do this till I died. I didn’t care about awareness or anything. ‘Just let everything happen to me, just let everything happen to me,’ I said.

Comfort took me, got the best of me and I closed my eyes for a second, napped.

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